This is me.....

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California, United States
I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a aunt, a friend, a godmother, and best of all....A child of God!!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Time is getting better~


Happy Saturday ladies!! It's foggy here in my part of California this morning!! but who knows what the day will bring when the fog goes away. I'm finding myself crying less and less these days but my heart still hurts and at times I do cry just like it happened yesterday, it's the not seeing my brother in this life time, and not hearing his voice in this life time that hurts so much, and the vision I have of him that night he left this world on that hospital gurney bed, looks like he was sleeping with that tube still in his mouth, and dirt on that gurney, its so vivid in my mind. I don't like this separation from him at all!! I didn't go to his house on Wednesday like I posted, after talking to our Mom, I felt it was best that I didn't go, my nephew and niece are now getting greedy while going threw my brothers things, and I kind of figured this would happen, its to be excepted, and very, very angry, part of grieving. Mom said things where in groups with names on them and my name wasn't on anything! Mom said if she looked at a pile of pictures my niece had on the floor, she'd tell mom "Those are mine and I'm taking everything in that pile" there's more to be written about but don't want to burden how greed can be so ugly and nasty! So, I cried the better part of Wednesday, then it was like a light came on in a dark room, I had an brilliant idea to call my brothers ex wife and have her get me something!! she consoled me over the phone and I told her what Mom said "Annette, there's nothing for you" I said "E" I just want something, I don't care if its his toothbrush or a dirty sock, just something please" "Don't cry Annette, I WILL NOT let that happen, I will personally see that you get something, I promise sweety" I told my brother I knew I could count on "E" to get me something, but my heart was achy that day, and I think Mom is trying to convince her self of some things that's why shes so persistent that I do this and do that, well as she says "Just go on" she THINKS that shes fooling me about accepting my brothers death, but shes not, not one little bit, I as a little sister am having a very difficult time with his leaving so sudden, I can't imagine as a mother losing her first born and only son so suddenly and trying to pretend all is normal now, only after 2 months, NOT!! shes trying to act like the strong one, when I know her heart is crying and I know she cries when shes alone, cause I do, but not as much, God is giving me that peace, a little at a time, and on his time. Those first couple of weeks back to work was so mentally hard and now that's getting easier, getting up in the morning is getting easier, and talking about my brother is getting easier, but on one hand I'm scared, scared that if I get back to laughing, doing things I enjoyed, that my brother will think that I dont miss him anymore, or if I realize I haven't cried at all, that I dont miss him anymore, does this any since?? My brother and my dads death has given me a bigger and better reason to look forward to my future.....

I LOVE YOU~

5 comments:

Denise said...

Girl.. I want to say something to you. Worldly items might bring them peace but worldly items are just that earthly possessions and will pass away and be put in a closet or eventually be discarded. It is the heart where the memories live and the joy of those memories cannot rust or rot. I hate that they have turned ugly but just remember that he loved you and those times you spent together cannot be taken from you. They go with you everywhere and the linger 24 hours a day. As you said you cry less so the Father God has brought healing to you and HE will continue. Do not let earthy things hinder that healing. Hold tight to the hope that you have in Christ. Your brother is not in your past but in your future,

Love you!

Irene said...

I must agree with Denise. These are "THINGS" you have the feelings, and when those feelings become a memories those memories will be your treasure, and you don't have to share.

kimberly said...

i really couldn't bring myself to go through my mom's things for a long time after she left us, and by the time i felt i could, my dad had gotten rid of everything.....(he had made time for us to go thru them, but i just wasn't ready)however....i have all the memories of things she loved and did and the fragrance she wore and the color she loved and the funnies she read and on and on....and that helps me.....i understand wanting a tangible "thing" so i do hope you receive one....but you do have all those wonderful memories right where they can be "seen" and felt whenever and wherever you are!!!
love you, annette!
kimberly

Joni said...

The very best things you can have are already stored in your heart. When you stop crying doesn't mean you will stop missing him silly...it just means the peace in your heart has surfaced. Healing takes time and there is no gauge of how fast it should happen. It will simply take as long as you need it to.

I love you my friend ~
Happy New Year ~

Donetta said...

Hello, Darling Annette
Sweet Sister perhaps she is standing strong in a different way than you can perceive. She had a different relationship with her son, than you had with your brother.
Knowing where you begin and end and where he begins and ends is blurred. Being two separate people inter dependent as siblings.
Enmeshment can happen when the line blurs and we stop having a boundary of our own id and we are both id's he is he and you are Annette,
Annette your brother would love to see you be all of who you are not limited by the blur of forgetting where the dividing line is.

Your mom is grieving a different death than you are. She is dealing with the loss of a son. Different thing she had a beginning and an end with him. In that she was she and he was he in the mother son relationship. In that he became an independent man.

Interdependence differs a lot from total dependency on each other. Now you must understand that independence that is so scary. You can do this. The dependence now must be on your maker.

I love you
I hope you can hear this with all the loving kindness I intend.

When I was with my mom, I did not have a beginning and end with her I became an extension of her.

Dependence must be had for security
Independence must be had for a sense of self
Interdependence must be had for a mission.
Life now your mission can find that competency in your ability to shift now, you are able and you are being made able. Think of the pride of your brother in you yes. Look at the present pride of your Father God upon you in this moment.

~The mind is like a parachute
it works best when it is opened~

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