Do you think he forgives me?

My first week back at work has been a very tiring and emotional week for me, it was so bad that my stomach finally got the best of me Thursday, to the point where I had to take something for the cramping and called in sick yesterday. I hear everyone talking about how they've decorated their home and bought this and that and I just cant seem to get in the CHRISTmas spirit. I know CHRISTmas is a very special time of year in all of our CHRISTian lives and I do love JESUS with all my being and can't wait for the day to meet our LORD and SAVIOR and I'm feeling horrible about not getting all excited to celebrate his birthday, usually my home is all decorated for a birthday party to be celebrated but not this time. I am sorry if my dwelling on my brothers passing is getting so tiring to you and I know my life should "just go on" but I just cant seem to get pass a point, my brothers passing was so sudden and surprising to all of us words that should have been spoken wont be able to be spoken now, last hugs wont be given, that last laugh wont be shared, the teasing to each other wont be teased, and the kiss on the cheek wont be kissed, I miss him more than any of you can ever imagine, he was my rock all my 45 years of life, then I think about how our Mom feels and how his children must feel and I stop and think "Your being selfish Annette" Our Mom is taking real bad, she told me the other day that she wasn't feeling good and she laid down on the bed to rest and was rubbing her stomach, and she could feel her scar from previous surgeries and thought "Why is this scar feeling so big and new to me?" she said then she realized that she got that scar originally 53 years ago and that every time she looks at it in the mirror she is reminded of how her first born came through that scar to live with her only for 53 years, and my heart littlerly ached for her!! A parent should never have to go through what our mom has gone through, NEVER!! and I was just reminded " Now you know how Mary felt when she saw her only son was being tortured and couldn't help him, the pain your Mom is feeling is the same pain Mary felt" Then I think about my 2 children all the time when one of them leave the other, the pain they will face and it bothers me, right now the 2 of them are constantly fighting with each other and I tell them to STOP, you just never know when one will leave and they don't want their last conversation to be a negative one, but they don't listen to me, I know what I'm talking about...My brother and I hadn't spoken in a month because of words he had with Mom and I was so angry at him for treating the woman that loved him more than life that way, so I never got to hear him say " Sis, I understand and I love you for being by Mama's side" but deep down in my heart I know he's forgiven me. I haven't realized how close CHRISTmas was until I heard it on the news this morning!! I just hope our Lord and Savior can forgive me this time for not getting all gittish over his birthday party this year, that's another thing that makes me so very sad, right now Life is just sad for me all the way around and I MISS my big brother!!

I LOVE YOU~